Honoring First Moms
First, if you haven’t already, please go enter the Tiny Tags giveaway before May 4th!
Secondly, I’m looking for some help with something. I am working with an awesome woman who creates the most unique and beautiful custom jewelry. She is interested in making a few pieces that celebrate adoption and already has the gorgeous design down, but is looking for a symbol, phrase, quote, or something to be part of it. When she asked me for other adoptionisms similar to “born in our hearts,” I had to pause and reflect on my feelings about the quotes and adoption poems I’ve heard. I’m not trying to offend anyone, just trying to open up a productive conversation and get some ideas for a special piece of jewelry that celebrates our children in our lives and honors their first mother at the same time.
How do you all feel about the adoption cliches, poems, and sayings we always hear? I’m talking about the things like “born in our hearts,” “blood is thicker than water,” the “labor of the heart” or “invisible red thread” concepts, and of course the longer poems that tend to rose-color adoption and, imo, diminish the contributions, significance, and often times pain of our kids’ first moms. I know they are all well-intentioned and some are really beautiful concepts, but to me, most of those 1) downplay the role of the 1 and only woman who gave our kids the gift of life, 2) unnecessarily draw comparison between biology and adoption (blood versus water), or 3) attach feelings to the member of the adoption triad for whom we cannot speak nor presume to understand.
I understand why we do it, and I know it’s popular to do. I’m just asking if it’s ever made any one else, as it has me, the slightest bit uncomfortable. I am trying to come up with some way to commemorate my kids history and the woman who brought them into the world without pretending they were “carried on wings of an angel,” or delivered by a stork, or anything euphamistic like that. Because the truth is, while I do not presume to know anything about the women who gave my boys life, I do know they aren’t in this world because I “labored in my tears,” or anything like that. There was a woman who labored physically and emotionally, then experienced the undeniable pain of childbirth to deliver them into the world. Jack and Shane’s stories began with that woman, that event, and I do not want to diminish her role or her life so that Jack & Shane’s presence in mine can feel less complicated. It just doesn’t really seem fair and it makes me wonder if my kids will grow up, hear those things, and feel conflicted that their birth mothers got the shaft and are never truly remembered. Or if hearing things like “blood is thicker than water” will make them feel like there’s a tug-of-war over them and that it’s some competition to see if their genetic makeup has made any contribution to their beings that we, the adoptive families, cannot “overcome.” That is NOT how I see my kids’ genetic heritage. I want them to know that I value and treasure who they are to their very core, and that I will always encourage them to remember, respect, and honor the woman who gave them life. There is 1 poem I’ve read that I think honors both birth and adoptive parent contributions, and that’s called Legacy of an Adopted Child. That’s obviously far too long for jewelry though!
My question is, how do you guys feel about these poems and are their any adoption sayings, quotes, or just words that you do like or that you do think are appropriately commemorative to first parents? What words would you like to see on a piece of jewelry honoring adoption?
As a side note, I encourage you to contribute your ideas; they may earn you some extra entries into a giveaway, should one be held, and a really sweet discount if your idea is actually used in the creation of the piece of jewelry. I’m just sayin’…
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31 comments
I’ve seen that “Legacy of an Adopted Child” poem on something at a baby store before and it was the first adoption item I had seen that I actually liked what it said.
I agree with you about all the adoption feel-good sayings. I never wanted anything with those “not of my body but of my heart” type sayings. I understand a lot of people like them but they sound like lies to me. Lana wasn’t born of my heart, like you said, a woman grew her in her body, gave her everything her little body needed to be born healthy and supported her life for 9 months. This had nothing to do with me! I do like to believe that fate brought Lana and I together, but I definitely don’t think she was only born because I wanted/needed her.
Anyway I’m rambling now, basically, yes, I agree with your feelings. I wish I was poetic enough to think of something short and sweet that would honor both the birth and adoptive mother, I’m just not that creative! I hope someone here comes up with a great idea.
And thanks for bringing this topic up Laurie!
I don’t post here often, but thought I would on this one. I don’t like adoption poems because most of us don’t really know the circumstances of our children becoming available for adoption. I would like to think my children’s birth mother loved them because they were both taken to safe places to be found and Jack had a note (supposedly) with him. Anyway, here is my idea for what it’s worth for the jewelry.
First & Forever
Mother (word “mother” to look like a read thread)
with a picture of a heart
I like that because it doesn’t take away the fact that our children had a first mother (or that she was a mother-in my mind using one word “mother” makes her equal with the forever mother). I mean it to represent both mothers and the heart could be the love we both have for the child-or the love the child has for both mothers.
Just my idea
I’ve never posted here, but I appreciate what you’ve written.
I’ve looked at it this way: Two families. One wish.
It’ s probably simplistic since I know nothing about my son’s birth parents, but I imagine they wanted the same things that we as his forever family hope to provide for him — a stable upbringing full of the things he needs to grow into a healthy, tolerant, loving adult. With the reportedly high abortion rate in Vietnam, his birth mother or birth parents made a choice to continue her pregnancy and do the things necessary for him to be born healthy.
I thank God for her and my son’s birth father every day.
Who would wear the jewelry? The kiddo or the mom? Because if it was me, I would go with what I tell my son, even though he is too little to fully comprehend.
He is “Her child. My child. Our child”, or the shorter “Hers. Mine. Ours.”
It’s not particularly creative, but things don’t always have to be sappy sweet, do they?
I very much agree. I’ve never liked any of those sayings, pictures (like the Ultrasound country picture), etc., even before I was “Adoption PC” and knew better. They just made me feel uncomfortable. In fact, the term “paper pregnant” makes me cringe the most. I don’t know why, but it’s one of the ones that just pushes my buttons. I did find one poem once that didn’t annoy me, but I cannot remember what it was. Funny you posted this because I was in Wal*Mart last night and I picked up a book written by an adoptive mom and almost vomited on myself. I hope not to offend anyone, either, with my strongly worded opinion. I’m just not into those sayings. It could just be me, and how we came to adoption, and I’m okay with that. I’m just not a fan. I love my kids more than anything else in this entire world, but they came to me from another woman. They weren’t born from or anywhere near me, don’t have any sort of “pregnancy” tie to me, and came to me from halfway around the world in a series of events that has blessed my life beyond measure. Regardless of the circumstances of their relinquishment’s from their first moms, I am forever grateful to each of them for the children that I have the privilege of raising.
That being said, I also don’t believe in romanticizing things, like making statements about first mothers loving their kids so much that they did what was in their best interest. I like to believe that in most cases, and I think it probably is, but I know for a fact it’s not always true. (Not to say that later in life, some first mothers who didn’t have strong feelings at the time of placement don’t feel love for the child they placed, but I do know of situations where the first mother clearly did not feel any great abundance of love for their child. ) And I don’t have any specific knowledge of how they felt. I feel that one of the worst things we can do as parents is create a fantasy for our children b/c in the event they one day choose (and would would very much support) to fine their first families, it’s possible the picture we painted isn’t a reality. I cannot imagine how damaging that could be. Regardless of our lack of knowledge of the circumstances, it is very important to me to honor my children’s first mothers because they gave them life.
Aren’t you sorry I read your blog?
I’ll try to think of a few “sayings” today and come back later tonight and post them. This is a great idea! I’m always wondering how to honor these women so that my children know how we feel and that we support them loving their first moms, too.
I’m glad it’s not just me who feels uncomfortable with a lot of the adoption rhetoric–especially the euphemisms!
To be honest, I probably wouldn’t wear ‘adoption jewelry’. In a way, I feel like it’s not my choice to do so. I want to leave it up to my kids to decide later if they want to wear adoption jewelry, if that makes sense. I always try to strike a balance between adoption being a factor of my family, but not being the defining factor. My great hope is that if we can somehow achieve a decent balance in this area, my kids, as they get older, will feel comfortable to make the fact of their being adopted as big or as small a factor as they want/need to in defining who they are.
That being said, I want to be REALLY clear that I am not for one second suggesting that moms shouldn’t wear adoption jewelry. The ways in which we approach adoption and express our feelings about it are individual, our families are unique, and there are no ‘right’ answers.
In our family, we honour my kids’ first mothers firstly and foremostly by naming them in my kids stories so that their first mothers have been and always will be part of who my kids are. I tell them their stories as often as they want, and also religiously on their birthdays and adoption days. My daughter’s story was her favourite story when she was younger and I told it to her every night for a couple of years. My son is not that interested so far in his story.
Great topic Laurie!
I have always liked best the ideas that make us think about adoption as a triad - birth/firstparents, child, and adoptive parents. There are three important facets of this formation. All bound by love. I love the symbol of the heart and triangle, intertwined.
Some times I”m not sure how I feel about thinking of things in terms of “forever families”…. I mean, the birthparents will be their birthparents forever also, right?
i actually own a book called ‘motherbridge of love’ which is simply that poem with amazing illustration. it really is the only childrens book i have found so far that really seems to honor the birthmother. and it does so in a beautiful way.
i swear that i cry everytime i read it to lulu.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1846860474/planetesme
I don’t have any suggestions as Parker’s only mom lives somewhere in Viet Nam…but I do agree with your sentiments about most of the symbols, cliches, etc that make the rounds of the adoptive parent community.
I like the Hers.Mine.Ours suggested above.
My idea? Born of One, Loved by Both . . .
Regarding the poems, etc . . .I go back and forth. Sometimes I’m really touched by the ones that romanticize it and sometimes I’m put off. I think it has to do with viewpoint-mine or my daughter’s. I need to try hard to think about it the way she will.
This has all been on my mind recently as May 2nd is our “whatever you want to call it” day. I still don’t know how we should deal with this day.
After reading “Legacy . . .”–how about Two Women, One Child
I accidentally posted this in the Tiny Tag post-sorry about that.
Today is our Forever Family Day so this is certainly on our minds today. I think we’ve decided to really honor both families today, her “new” one and her birth family. That way, their isn’t a negative association with birthdays and adoption that I’ve heard many adoptees have. That being said, I like the idea that both of her families are forever.
As for the poem stuff… the phrase I have a hard time with, is “Not from under my heart, but in it.” However, my thoughts have been from a different angle entirely. Our oldest is adopted, and then we had a birth kid. I’ve wondered if the birth daughter would feel left out that she wasn’t born in our heart. It is much nicer sounding. We have the Legacy poem in the girl’s rooms and my husband hates it because it doesn’t mention dads. In our daughter’s case, she has two great dads and two great moms. However, so much of the adoption triad stuff is really just reflective of the mothers relationship with the child.
Me again-Kristi brings up a good point about the dad getting left out of the triad.
After I read her comment-I immediately though of Lilo and Stitch (we’ve watched it A LOT lately) and the theme of the movie “Ohana”-where Ohana means family. No one gets left behind or forgotten.
From Wiki-
Part of Hawaiian culture, ʻohana means family in an extended sense of the term including blood-related, adoptive or intentional. It emphasizes that family are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another.
In actual Hawaiian culture the term ohana is strictly used for blood relations. Non-familial groupings always instead use the word “hui”.
So-in the broader sense-Ohana is a nice word to incorporate both families.
I’ll stop now. I promise. Well-no I don’t . . .;)
Oh I am with you 100% - the connections to biology bothers me and there are a bunch of sayings that really seem to negate the pain a 17 year old might feel at wanting to connect with his/her first family. I can’t imagine having some of those poems around once my children can really philosphize on adoption and their feelings about it.
I like the red thread to a degree, but its not a cultural or religious value that I grew up with, so it doens’t mean as much TO ME.
I liked the idea of including all parts of the triad. What about:
“You are loved: three-way tied” or just “three way tied.” Just a thought.
I don’t have any new and/or different to add (and certainly no catchyphrases for the jewelry line) that has not been said on this topic by others who have written before me. What I can say is that I have found this topic extraordinarily interesting. It is something that has been slowely cooking on the back burner of my brain. We are new parents and although our son is just about one and we don’t have to face questions from him immediately, we know that we have to figure out what we will say to him. We want to do this in a loving, caring truthful, and respectful manner that is not filled with cliches about adoption. His circumstances are his circumstances and no cliche or poem is HIS story.
Funny this is *exactly* what I was looking for in a Tiny Tag!! I actually do have a piece of jewelry I do love that was given to me as a gift. The pendant itself has these three symbols that represent the birth mom(sun/nature), the adoptive family (heart/nurture) and the child (star/combination of both). And they are accompanied by this poem:
“The sun is nature, warmth and light
Giving life and hope and might
And though it may be far away
Will touch the child with every ray
The heart is nurture, love and grace
Lives for each smile upon your face
Teaches what you need to know
Makes you laugh and helps you grow
For one, a wish that runs so deep
Their child - a home to safely keep
Another’s wish so true and bold
A child to love and teach and hold
The star - the wishes of the two
Heaven makes them both come true
In ways both merciful and mild
Their star - a cherished wish - the child.”
I think my biggest issue with this type of poetry is that it makes certain assumptions that may not be true. So its hard. but this poem really spoke to me and I loved the symbolism so much that I’ve considered a tattoo version (the jewelry itself isn’t so well made that it will last a lifetime).
I have the exact piece of jewelry that Nicki mentioned and I love it. It was the first piece of adoption jewelry that was done tastefully (IMO.) I wear it 24/7 — did, I should say — Camden ripped it off. I have to agree with Laura, she said everything I was thinking.
Having given up a child in a closed adoption over 40 years ago, I have been posted on 3 sites from my home state used by adoptive kids who want to find their birth parents. I have never had a response. After fathering 3 kids, including Travis, I have such anguish about what happened in her life. I was 19 and could make excuses for my inappropriate actions then. If I can speak to the unknown biologicasl child now 41 who I met the day of birth and never thereafter, a empty spot in my life would be filled in some way, maybe hostally. Mothers are characteristicly closer to their babies, toddlers and kids until the kid is 10-11 or longer. Still as a birth father with no connection with this child since birth (adult now) and no knowledge of what occurred in her life is a ? I will carry the rest of my life, unless some miracle occurs 42+ years later and I gain contact. The choices of my children and their wonderful wives to be on the other side of an adoptive event make me proud of the people that have become. I could at least buy her a tiny tag.
This is a loaded topic! I like feel sometimes feel uncomfortable when give it seems credit for this blessing, and though I do sometimes love some of the sayings some of them seem… I dont know icky like its only about the adoptive parents and the child and the birth mom is then forgotten or diminished. I also feel that we shouldnt live the rest of our lives feeling guilty or only attributing the birth mother.. there has to be an equal balance, which is hard. For me we are lucky enough to have a pic of Malia with her birth mother and we read books and as she gets older we will always talk of her birth mom in a way that celebrates her and the hard choice she had to make without taking away the fact that she was indeed meant to be in our family… or born in my heart which I find to be very true. Such a hard line to figure out I cant wait to hear what others think of this topic because I want to give Malia a great love for her birth mother without taking away the life that she has now if that makes sense. AHH which I could speak better!!!
Travis’dad post was very touching. I wish someone will find his posts on the forums and answer him one day.
You can see from the comments, the books on adoption, that first Dads are often forgotten in the picture of the triad and I know we make efforts to always speak about both M’s first Mom and Dad.
We are very careful about what we say. Only the little we know. We don’t want to lie to her and even if it is tough when we don’t know we just say so. She is 5 but speaks very openly about them and China and I want to make sure it stays like that all the time and that she feels comfortable expressing her feelings.
I think it is the first good way to honour her first parents.
In a more “official” way, we lights candles on the special days, one for each of them. M decided to light also one for her and I like it a lot.
I don’t have any good suggestion for a necklace.
Personally to honour my daughter’s first parents and birth country I got a tattoo.
Thanks for asking the question. Most of the adoption poems and keepsakes or pictures and else are for and around the APs only. We are the only ones who lost nothing in adoption and still we often want to pull it more to us. I use to be naive and even like these clichés. Now, like you, I have a hard time with them…
Not a fan of those adoption theme poems, sayings, etc. I think they (while perhaps well intentioned) so easily trivialize the truely complex aspects of adoption that you bring up. I am the a-mom to 4 IA kiddos and would not want to plant seeds now that would make it difficult later for my kids to bring up the less than sweet aspects of their adoptions…..just my opinion. Also, not a fan of the “gotcha” day words or even celebrations…..in the words of an adult transracial adoptee…”saying gotcha means that someone lostya….” I know that the days we were put together by foreign governments was an emotional day for me (with many mixed emotions) I know that they were emotionally traumatic for my kids…..all four reacted differently, but were definately NOT in “celebratory” mode.
I don’t “do” many adoption poems & such…I do have an adoption necklace that I wear a lot with three silver rings representing the adoption triad & Forever Family engraved on it. We celebrate Forever Family Days & honor birth~mothers & fathers on our kiddos’ birthdays as well. It’s a part of who they are & now that our boys are 8, they really “got” Forever Family/Adoption Day this year. To be really honest, I don’t think they will fully understand the “how & why” until we take them to visit Vietnam & their Province when they are older….It is on the top of my priority list!
A friend of mine adopted and on their adoption announcement she put:
“I did not give you the gift of life, but life gave me the gift of you” I thought it was nice.
I haven’t had time to read all of the comments but I do like the Legacy of an adopted chiilde. I like the book Motherbridge of Love. There is one line in the book I love- Two different lives shaped to make you one. If there was enough room, I would add the next line so it reads: Two different lives shaped to make you one. One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.
We use Forver Family, but in 3 ways.
1. Our son’s birthmother is his family forever through birth. They are forever connected.
2. Our famliy is a foever famliy connected through love.
3. We (birthmother, bio sibs, me, hubs, son, etc.) are a forever famliy through an incredible journey of love and sacrifice.
Hope that makes sense. Forver Family….it works for us.
Good Lord - FOREVER FAMILY, I meant to type. Geez. I swear I have not even had a cocktail yet.
I was hoping to have some fabulous and poignant(I am loving that word lately) comment here, but it is not coming…
If you find a fabulous saying, I will buy it for me and my adopted kiddos.
The whole thing really honestly feels way too complicated for me to try to condense into a couple words, but if some one else can I would really appreciate it.
I really like Jme’s idea of “forever family” to mean 3 different things… maybe a 3 with the word “forever” through it… its not cute-sy, but it would mean a lot to the wearer, and if they wanted to they could explain it…
Hello!! I am the one who has been working with the amazing Laurie to create pieces of adoption jewelry - for everyone in the family - Mom/Dad, siblings, grandparents, the child themselves. You guys are so thorough and contemplative. Reading these posts has been unbelievably helpful - not to mention eye opening! I will be working on designs and trying to implement as many of your ideas/options into the pieces. I look forward to talking with you all again soon!!
so many great ideas here! people are so clever. I don’t have one except to say that I think the ones that avoid the red thread thing are better in the sense that they are more universal. My understanding is that the red thread is a Chinese thing, and that might be great for families formed thru Chinese adoption but I don’t feel like it works for other families (at least, speaking for myself…)
Can’t wait to see what the final design is. I really like the suggestions that incorporate families in a general sense, since that includes not only the adoptee and the first family, but also any bio kids in the family too
I just looked at her site and she has a bracelet with 3 strands and the circle stamped “Forever Family”! YEAH!! I’m a genius….ha, not really.
First, I love this jewelry. And I rarely buy jewelry, but this stuff is great.
I really liked the quote that Lauren posted “I did not give you the gift of life, but life gave me the gift of you”. The idea of a gift keeps coming to my mind. My daughter is a Chinese adoptee, so the fact that she ended up in an orphanage rather than the more common alternative in China is a huge gift of life that her birthparents gave to both my daughter and our family. My son is from the Democratic Republic of Congo. His mother literally gave her life by walking 500 miles to escape the civil war. She died of malnutrition to give him the gift of life. So something about a gift.
I would also love to see some country specfic pieces: maybe love or family in Chinese symbols/Swahili. Something like that.
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