A Cultural Divide
A Cultural Divide
The other day, we were eating lunch at a restaurant with friends and Jackson was his usual high energy self, discontent to sit still for more than 5 minute increments. So, Trav and I took turns, as we typically do, eating and playing with Jackson. He’s high maintenance, everyone who knows him would agree. He loves to crawl at lightening speed and hold your fingers and walk faster than it would seem possible, given his tiny legs. At one point, our friend, Klever, leaned over and said “everyone here thinks you are a little strange.” As if that’s some revolutionary thought;) Seriously though, he told us that babies Jackson’s age in Peru are not active like he is, something that we had also noted. Most people here are shocked to see him move the way he does. We have noticed that babies here are very late to develop gross motor skills, and at Jackson’s age, are not very interactive at all. Klever pointed out that most are just sleeping, eating, and content to watch the world from inside their moms’ slings (if you will). He said people do not interact with their babies like we “gringos” do, and their babies are not demanding of attention the way our baby is. He also added that people find it odd that Travis shares my responsibility in caring for our baby. They had never seen a man change a baby’s diaper, feed a baby, or even spend much time holding a baby…so of course they probably think Travis is a total freak for WEARING his baby (yes, he has 2 different patterned Hotslings, in addition to our hiking pack that holds Jax).
The way we (Americans) rear our babies versus the way most Peruvians in Cusco do has made us think and discuss a lot lately. There are so many things I think our culture has wrong, and one of those is the obsession with pushing our kids to do everything early, fixating on where our child is developmentally compared to his peers, and creating very rigid guidelines with finite goals our children should meet at ages x, y, and z. Certainly there is a place for screening and identifying abnormalities early so that interventions can be made. But I’m talking about things like throwing our kids in the pool at 5 months old so they figure out how to swim at that age. Sure, maybe it’s a safety thing in some instances, but that’s a popular course in Colorado, and not very many people have pools or live near the water out there! Or being in a hurry to feed our kid solids because some moronic pediatricians are encouraging breastfeeding moms to start solids younger than 6 months (which already seems too early to me). Or being disappointed that your kid doesn’t crawl at 6 months old. Most of us fall into these traps to some degree, but it’s a cultural thing. No one here gives a crap or thinks your kid is superior if they can talk at 10 months, walk at 9, or crawl at 6. It’s just not important. But babies here are so attached to their moms. They are with them 24 hours a day. They co-sleep, breastfeed, spend every hour of the day inside their mom’s sling, and this goes on well into toddlerhood.
On the flip-side, they are not interacted with much at all in the first 2 years. Of course breastfeeding is interactive, but I mean in a verbal or playful sort of way. Kids are not given Baby Einstein toys to stimulate their minds, or taught to be monkeys (ie: “How big is Jackson? So big”). I can step back and see that we do so many dumb things to help promote brain development, like over rely on toys, stick our kids in exersaucers, bouncy chairs, swings, in front of the TV and interactive games, and other crap that really just allows us to be lazy in our parenting. We plug our kids into things with voices so that we end up having to do less interacting and less teaching. Nicki had a GREAT post on this topic. That said, I do think there’s something to stimulating our babies’ cognition and encouraging them to interact with the world early on. And 0-12months is an important time for brain development, for sure. There are better ways to promote that than the ways toy companies and television encourage us to, and I think in the US we overvalue independence and over encourage independent play. The hard part is achieving a balance - the perfect mix of Quechua parenting style meshed with the way we Americans typically do it. Attachment + independence + brain development + play = perfect.
Not for the Squeamish!
I know this is liking telling people not to slow down to gawk at the train wreck, but I’m warning those of you who do not like potty topics to avoid reading this post. And if you just can’t help yourself, but feel disgusted at the end nonetheless, I apologize ahead of time…
Well, I am no longer afraid of ANYTHING. I pretty much experienced my worst nightmare the other day. We ate lunch with a group of friends at a seriously locals’ restaurant, then went to the most crowded locals’ street market I’ve ever seen. Then, all-of-a-sudden, I became faintly ill, began sweating profusely, got the chills and goosebumps, and had to face my worst fear…dun dun dun…a 3rd world “toilet” with explosive diarrhea. Yup, I got my treinte centamos worth from that bathroom. I gave ‘em fifty centamos and told ‘em to keep the change - they might’ve needed it to keep the janitor from quitting. Let me just tell you how not fun it is to hover over a hole in the floor, with flies swarming, clutching 1 very transparent shred of a napkin, understanding why the wall behind the hole is the only non-white one in the stall. Thank God that’s over, for now anyway.
I stood there, bent at the knees, pants rolled as high as they go, thinking to myself “well, at least this’ll make a great blog post,” and realized that somewhere along the way, in the last 6 months away from medicine, I have made the miraculous comeback to optimism. Ahh, my estranged friend whom I haven’t known since my 1st year of medical school. I was, however, in no mindset to capture the scene of the crime, and realize that somethings in life are better left to the imagination. Just know that your imagination could NEVER in a million years do my nightmare justice.
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11 comments
First of all that is a hilarious story which you are right - GREAT BLOG POST! Haha. Second thanks for the plug and you are right, that happy balance is what I think we should all strive for. Someone I think you probably do a *perfect* job!
Have you heard of the book The Continuum Concept? It addresses a lot of this stuff, it was an interesting read. A lot of food for thought here…I really love Maria Montessori’s approach to early childhood. Definately not the way most Americans do it today. But I have to say I am very thankful for the exersaucer and Baby Einstein, otherwise I may never have been able to take a shower.
About those swim lessons, personally, I have not chosen them for my kids. M. loves the water and can swim like a fish, L. is doing just great, can get to the side and get out. There is a mom who teaches those classes at the pool in our neighborhood. I can understand why some parents choose them, but if just kills me to see the babies and toddlers crying so hard. To each his own!
Anyway, I agree with your main points.
And WTG Travis for shaking things up down there! Maybe he will start a trend!
Laurie, this is a great thought inspiring post. I think, as Americans, we have this “keeping up with the Jones’ mentality. If everybody is teaching their baby sign language at 5 months old, then we have to teach our baby sign language at 5 months old. If walkers are good for babies, then our babies must be in walkers, but our next child won’t be because walkers won’t be good for babies in another year. I find many of the countries who still raise babies by old wives tales and in a more laid back fashion still have just as many geniuses in their society. But…. i will probably still teach my baby sign language and still have all the technology that helps inspire…. because when in Rome…..
What a great post - thought provoking and a kernel of disgust thrown in all together. Get my brain spinning in one direction and then just like an amusement park ride, yank it in another! I think you’re so right about the parenting though - there is a fine balance that needs to be achieved. Most of us will only get it right some of the time, but I think it’s good that we will at least try and really consider how our decisions impact our children (like you said, Nicki’s post was a great one and you’ve expanded it nicely!). Loving the posts from Peru!
Great post! I totally agree with the parenting stuff. All those toys and later video games etc. can cause what one author is dubbing Nature Deficit Disorder. I think all this over-stimulation can cause kids to loose creative thinking and problem-solving. My in-laws are nuts with scheduling every minute of their kids days and buying every toy out there, these kids have no down-time no time to just think. I don’t know, It just seems a bit insane how can they keep this pace up for the next 18 years? I am not a parent yet so I suppose I should keep my mouth shut, but I have definite ideas for when my baby comes home.
On part 2 of you post–I can honestly say that I was reading about myself. The only difference was I was in the southern highlands of Vietnam. I had the cold sweat, the goosebumps, the explosive experience and yes the transparent napkin-turned TP. I was squatting and scrounging through my bag trying to find anything that could be used as a supplement. I found some used tissues… and…my whole experience was free! I didn’t have to pay a dong for it! Awesome.
Kudos, Travis! Encouraging to hear that dads share in the care of their children. Thanks, as a prospective stay-at-home-dad of an adopted daughter from China, I’m enlightened by Laurie’s post that I’m not alone in this undertaking.
Laurie, thanks for speaking so freely about the cultural divide. I got hit by a comment from an “adoptionista” when I posted some humor aimed at the Chinese culture and was told that I was being culturally dangerous to my future daughter’s homeland. She had apparently been unaware that we had been through all the courses on cultural significance and child development in a new environment. I tend to fluff over those issues as there is always ’someone’ who will be offended …. and …. I think that Americans have to put some of those child developmental issues out there to justify new theories or promote a new book.
By the way …… about “Not For the Squeamish” ……. been there.
Love the post Laurie. Much food for thought.
I just put a post on my blog about a book that I love called Small Beginnings by Barbara Curtis. I think it has great practical, developmentally appropriate ideas for Jackson, especially when the new baby comes, and would really be worth reading–definately different ideas than Disney would promote.
oh, and if you google her and find your blog–politically, my guess is that you are pretty well opposites…but she is a mother of 9 (3 adopted, 4 total with Down syndrome) and a former Montessori teacher, and I do think you would like her ideas about early childhood learning.
OMG yes Laurie, I totally agree. I am so sick of comparisons and it starts immediately. IMHO Colorado is the worst too! Kids are expected to know so much before kindergarten….standards are way too high. Most kids around my area are in gymnastics, ballet, tap, dance, soccer, t-ball and swim. It’s insane and too much! I love Montessori schools and their whole approach to teaching but I know some do not agree with the philosophy. Peru sounds a lot like Guatemala. Good for Travis…sounds like a great daddy. Sorry about the poo-poo ordeal, what a fricken nightmare!
Wow, you really had me musing and thinking about how much Americans push independence onto our kids at such early ages, and then, WHAM, I was thrown entirely offtrack by your potty story. You poor thing! That sounds awful! Do you need us to send down some immodium?
Just joking!
[...] I totally agree with Blayne - our kids need our time home with them most when they are 0-2. Actually, my ideal would be to stay home with them until Fin is in preschool, Shane in kindergarten, and Jack in 1st grade. It’s not that they don’t need us after that, it’s just that those are the years foundations are being laid. Our kids have a lifetime to learn how to live independently from us, but I think that’s one thing we do wrong as a society - overvalue independence in our children and push them to develop it so prematurely - and I’ve blogged about that in the past. I think THAT is the root of the breakdown of family life in this country. They’re just babies from 0-2, they’re supposed to need us for everything, to want to cling to us, to have our full attention. I don’t ever want my kids to be just as comfortable with their nanny as they are with their parents, or to have to find out from their nanny what troubles they’re having in school, or what my kids’ favorite books are, etc,. I don’t ever want to miss Christmas or a birthday because of work. I guess this “going back to work” thing would be a lot less dramatic if I were in a “normal profession,” where I worked 40hrs or less per week. But to get there, I have to get through residency first. I suppose the bright side is that if I start residency in 1 year, Jack will be 3, Shane will be 2, and Finley will be 15 months, but unlike her brothers, at least she’ll have been with me since birth. This will have to be a separate post, but we haven’t talked about how adoption factors into these issues, and I personally believe strongly that it makes things a bit more complicated. As if it weren’t all already complicated, right?! [...]
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