Fatalistic or Just Optimistic?
First, a random but amusing story. Jack told a joke yesterday in an attempt to make friends his first day of gymnastics class. It went like this:
“Why did the chicken lay so many eggs? Because he did a big fart and lot of eggs came out.” He can thank his daddy for all the new friends he made. It was 100% Jack’s own joke, but I credit his dad with the source of the potty humor. It has GOT to stop, or no parent is going to let their child hangout near mine and none of us will ever have any friends!! LOL! And to think…I always worried it would be the F bombs.
Travis and I have had a lot of conversations / debates recently about the concept of “meant to be.” I used the phrase recently when talking to Travis about the Match because I honestly feel like whatever is meant to be will happen. It’s not that I’m ok with the thought of not matching this year, but it’s more that I feel powerless since I’ve done all I can do. The rest isn’t really in my hands now. I guess I selectively apply that “meant to be” mentality though. When Travis heard me say it, he couldn’t figure out how I could just shrug my shoulders and resign myself to the idea that it is up to someone else. He hates a fatalistic mentality because he assumes it means that it doesn’t really matter what we do; the ending is predetermined. I don’t believe that the ending is predetermined, but for some reason, I find comfort in the idea that some things are just meant to be, and others are not. I am hopeful this is meant to be for me THIS Match cycle, but believe me, I’m not done trying if it doesn’t work out for me here and now. I have just learned that things don’t always go as planned, no matter how hard we try, and I like to think every unexpected detour has a purpose.
As I’m nearing Match Day again this year, I have been reflecting upon this time last year. I was not in the Derm Match, but I did apply to 2 competitive local intern programs. My plan was sort of a$sbackwards, but it seemed solid at the time. Then, I didn’t match and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Mostly because it was unexpected. In retrospect, I can’t even believe I almost went down that road. I would have missed out on so much this year. I have loved my research opportunities, the mentorship I’ve received from derms in the field, and the spark I’ve started to feel again because I’ve found a career in medicine I am passionate about. For awhile, I went through a phase of relating to the Dave Mathews song “Gray Street” (when all the colors mix together to gray, and it breaks her heart). [As an aside, I know I’ve re-written some lyrics in the past, so I made sure to check those;] I think I needed the time I’ve had…away from medicine…to remember why it was I wanted to be a doctor so badly.
Travis and I have been talking a lot again lately about our long-term dreams of working overseas, which was what drove our desire to pursue medicine all along. The devastation in Haiti fueled some of our discussions. My brother, Jeremy, and I went to Haiti with a medical mission group right before I started medical school. It was one of the more impactful experiences of my life, and when the news of the earthquake hit me, I couldn’t help but wish I were in a position to get on a plane and do something. Travis felt it too. Although we let go of any plans to ever joining disaster relief missions once we had kids, we still intend to work in areas of need in the developing world.
My point is that I am excited to learn what is around the corner for me, career-wise. And as nail-biting a process as the Derm Match is, I feel eerily at peace. Maybe it’s cognitive dissonance to take the “whatever is meant to be will be” approach, when clearly I’ve tried to control as much of this process as was humanly possible when I could. I just figure, at this point, I clearly have no control, and stressing about it could drive me nuts.
So, do you believe in “meant to be” endings, or do you think that’s a cop-out? Is that a belief that only religious people hold?
Also, please take a second to check out my friend Brandy’s Etsy site, especially if you’re looking for a cute baby gift – she just put up some really adorable items and is trying to raise money for her first adoption.
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7 comments
I’m not big on “what’s meant to be will be” in any aspects of my life EXCEPT the match, which you obviously control to some degree with where you apply, how you interview, how competitive an applicant you are etc. Once the process is over and you’re waiting to hear back in March - its best to just roll with it. I think I’ve told you I didn’t get my first choice but would not change a thing looking back. Life will feel much more in control once you and Trav land in programs. My ER group is organizing a group to Haiti now - and I sit here with a high risk pregnancy and 2 little ones - oh well. Next time. All good things to those who wait? There’s another philosophy to chew on..
Love ya.
Good topic! As you know - I’ve felt this way MANY times through the adoption and cancer journeys (as well as all the things I went through before I had my blog). I’ve always believed “what will be, will be”, even before I was a Christian. And I have also had some huge hits when things didn’t go my way - even with that mentality.
At this point, my attitude and thought process is - do EVERYTHING I can do for what I want, desire, etc, and then let go. Ultimately, very few things are left up to us - not just as far as God being in control, but even with decisions about which program accepts you, which school you get in, which agency will work with you, etc. And I don’t think that mentality falls into either fatalistic or optimistic - it is what it is: the outcome is out of your hands.
Thanks so much for the etsy highlight! I also have a bunch of examples of custom orders on my blog as well.
Praying for you always!
I think up to a certain point you make your own destiny through the choices you make and the risks you take. However…those internships are so darn competitive and rely quite a bit on “who you know” so I think really great candidates get the shaft periodically. You’ve done some amazing things in your life, though and in no way should you feel like you haven’t earned a spot this year.
In our religion we do use the term “meant to be” quite frequently.. but with that phrase comes responsibility.. you have to do every thing in your power and then you turn it over to God. I dont think its a cop out at all!!
Hi, J here, aka “voice of the religious”
BWHAHAHA, I crack myself up…
Anywho, as a believing/practicing follower of Jesus who sometimes gets sucked into being religious( I don’t believe that Jesus set out to found a religion, he set out to change lives and lift people out of darkness and oppression, both spiritual and physical, it is human beings that made a religion out of a relationship, but that is another discussion)
I actually think both you and Travis have a point. While I believe that God is both intimately involved in the details of my life, AND ultimately in control of the universe(yeah, I actually believe that), I believe that there are many things within my control- my happiness, for instance is always within my control- ALWAYS and no matter what(and you know I don’t say that lightly).
I think there can be a fine line between a “meant to be” mentality and a fatalistic/victim mentality, which is, from my vantage point, what Trav is objecting to.
A victim mentality/fatalistic viewpoint says, “I have NO control, and I might as well just give up, and let whatever happens happen”
I have to say- I am with Trav on this one- I don’t take much solace in meant to be- too many variables and factors, and when you step back and look at it, people ineptitude, selfishness, laziness and just plain down meanness play a part….
Do I think that God is at work in it all for my good? YES- but what I have come to understand at the ripe old age of 31 as “my good” doesn’t often look like what I think it “should”… I am learning that “my good” is actually a LOT more about my inner life- my wholeness, healing, redemption, peace, love and JOY, than it is whether we ever adopt more kids, or ever leave this county that we live in, whether I ever finish my degree, or do hair…
So do I believe in meant to be? This “religious” person says, nope, I don’t.
There is way to much shitty stuff that goes on for me to ever believe in meant to be.
Do I believe that God is in every situation, looking for the redemptive purpose in it?
yes.
And, actually, I think that is pretty different than “meant to be”.
How this all relates to you, I have no idea
Although, if you end up at Geisinger, damn straight it was meant to be.
Yikes, tough topic. I have thought about this often, especially in our profession - when something REALLY bad happens to a child or someone young and otherwise healthy (medical-wise), you can really tear yourself up trying to find meaning in that. Sad to say, but it’s easier to handle when an older person falls ill or has a bad outcome, you can say, “well they had a good life until now,” be it true or not. I have not been able to reconcile the other cases in my mind. You just have your cry, have a good talk with your colleagues, and do the best you can for the rest of your patients, trying to prevent bad things from happening in the future. Most of the time, you can say the person is better off in the end by the treatments they received, or the conversation that was had. This is all in the medical sense, of course.
I think it’s even harder in personal life though. My mom used to always tell me, when I REALLY wanted something, that all I could do was try my hardest, be educated about the process, and at some point you just have to trust that the outcome was meant to be. Some people use their religious beliefs to come to peace with this, which I think can be very reassuring - to ultimately say that you are not personally responsible for the outcome. I have found in my short time on earth thus far that every big turn/decision/job/relationship/school acceptance was, in the end, the best possible situation for me, I just didn’t always realize it at the time. You should have heard the despair when I didn’t get in Early Decision to Yale for college. I seriously considered just attending the local community college. haha Thankfully, my mother had better insight and started full-force helping to fill out the Duke application. I think it’s similar with boyfriends, too - in high school it’s the end of the frikin’ world when a relationship ends, and you just think you can’t go on, but in retrospect, I ended up with the best possible person for me, after a few heartbreaks! I don’t believe in destiny or predetermination. I think you just have to go through the world doing your best and caring for other people, and it will all come full circle.
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