8/30: Birth Order, Revisited

This was inspired by Melanie’s question about birth order:

Birth order and stereotypes, I think you blogged in reference to your bio sibs in past, but what do you see in your own kids’ relationships in terms of birth order? are they how you’d expect?

I did write a post way back on this topic about the family I grew up in, but we have recently noticed the evolving dynamic between our munchkins and it’s made me think about it all again.  As many of you know, we have 3 kids within 21 months of age of each other.  Jack and Shane are 1 year and 1 week apart, and Shane and Finley are about 8.5 months apart.  Our kids relationships are SO interesting, and in some ways they do fit the stereotypes for the personalities their birth order would predict, but in so many ways they do not.  I think that is largely due to these factors:

1) Shane and Finley are closer in age than would be possible if I had given birth to both of them,

2) Shane didn’t have much of a chance to take the role as older brother to Finley because they are developmentally closer in age than their actual ages would suggest AND he was only with us for a few months before Fin crashed the party,

3) their temperaments have just as much impact on those dynamics as their “birth order.”  That said, it’s not a big surprise that Jack and Finley sort of display 1st and 2nd child dynamics while Shanie is still finding where he wants to be in that mix.

Recently, Jack has REALLY started to take on the role of big brother and oldest child.  He enforces the rules when he sees Finley or Shane not following them; he has this overwhelming sense of responsibility coupled with horrendous guilt when he does something wrong; and he’s the ultimate parent pleaser.  Seriously, the child wants nothing more than to make us happy…it’s unbelievable.  Although, at first, he was a wildman, it’s obvious to us now that he thinks through almost everything before he does it.  He’s not the risk taker his little sister is, and we don’t have to worry about him doing ridiculous stunts that could end up breaking his neck (Fin is another story, and I say that after she attempted a back flip off the couch tonight). 

Shane, like I said above, is not the classic middle child just yet.  I think he’s getting there, but he doesn’t demonstrate the typical “competitive, assertive, outspoken, driven, outgoing” traits of a middle child.  We are seeing signs that he is CERTAINLY on his way there, especially in the assertive and outgoing departments, but his temperament coupled probably coupled with his homecoming circumstances and siblings’ personalities make him a much more mellow, non-competitive, sweet, lover-not-a-fighter kind of kid.  He’s precious that way, but we are proud of him when he asserts himself and I secretly don’t mind so much when he bops Finley on the head every once in awhile for being such a little booger;)  He also enjoys quiet time, unlike our other kids, and is just not interested in competing for anything – not attention or praise, nor to try to out-do anyone.  Sometimes he seems like he’s in his own little world of content, although he can also throw a killer tantrum.  He loves a slow pace, and enjoys calmly laying on my lap so I can scratch his back or gently stroke the palms of his hands (he loves that).  He loves physical touch and is never in too big a hurry to have a “baby massage” with lotion after bath-time, which is so different from Jack and Fin who have to be wrestled, pinned, and have lotion dumped on them as fast as possible because you only have about 10 seconds before they’ve contorted and run off. 

Finley, on the other hand, fits the mold of a 2nd child to a T.  JUST LIKE HER DAD (and mom).  Apparently Travis’ nickname growing up was “me too,” as he was a 2nd child and wanted to do EVERYTHING his brother, who was 4 years older, was doing.  Travis is VERY competitive, and his mom tells a story about him as a toddler to illustrate the point that he also enjoyed being the center of attention.  He was a tag-along at his older brother’s playdate and, at one point, everyone convened to form a circle around a pretty remarkable frog.  Travis pushed his way to the front of the pack to see what was hogging everyone’s attention, and when he saw it, he promptly stomped on it, squished it, and walked back out of the circle.  And THAT. Is Travis.  Finley is the same way – she is feisty, loves attention, and will try to do everything her big brothers are doing…and she takes whatever that is 1 step further to out-do them.  She’s loud, she’s persistent, she’s relentless, and she’s willing to play dirty.  She has that fierce little streak that makes an athlete excel, as long as we can harness it for those purposes and keep her out of jail!

The Jack / Shane / Finley dynamic is hysterical, as my brother, Alex, got to see last week.  Jack will do things to instigate his younger followers and set them up to get in trouble, but he’ll do it in a way that makes himself exempt from the reprimand.  For example, the kids aren’t allowed to play with the stereo that controls the TV and music, and we usually keep a baby lock on it.  The other day, I forgot to lock the cabinet and I watched as Jack called Shane and Fin over, opened the cabinet, and extended his arms towards the stereo as if to say “go at it, guys!”  Of course they fell right into his trap, so I busted them all;)  LOL! 

Anyway, here is a REALLY interesting NY Times article on birth order.  It touches on something that struck a cord with me, which is speech delays in younger siblings.  Interestingly, there was a recent Norwegian study that showed oldest siblings have IQ’s that averaged 3pts higher than their younger brothers’ (all male study).  The Times article highlighted that personality and temperament probably shape family life far more than a few IQ points; academic prowess, success, etc. often come down to factors other than a few IQ points (like personality, drive, etc.).  HOWEVER, we all know that with our 1st child, we spent more devoted 1 on 1 time on the floor reading book after book, teaching colors, ABC’s, etc. than we did with our subsequent children.  So it’s fair to say, in most cases, a 2nd child / younger sibling gets less verbal stimulation than his/her oldest sibling did…and that’s arguably accentuated when siblings are close in age.  We tend to become more laid back about milestones, etc., when we are no longer nervous, “first-time” parents.  So then the Times article says this, which really hit home for me with regards to Shane and his speech delay (which, btw, is improving hugely with “prompt” therapy):

Those differences in verbal stimulation, like the differences in I.Q., are “relatively modest,” Dr. Sulloway continued, and unlikely to result in clinical speech delays. But in a child who is already vulnerable, a child who may be temperamentally less likely to evoke adults’ attention, or a child growing up in a less stimulating home — well, then, being the second child might be the added risk that makes the difference, he said.

There’s that mom guilt again;)  It’s nothing we didn’t already know, or haven’t ourselves pointed out to Shane’s speech therapists.  But I think it’s good for us to be aware of the combo of things that go into where Shane is with language development.  Sometimes I wonder what would be different if my kids’ birth orders were reversed.  And not that I could (or would want to) truly imagine life without Jack or Finley, but I do wonder what Shane would be like as an oldest or only child.  Birth order fascinates me!

So where are you in birth order, and do you fit the mold?  Do your kids fit the molds?  I took this quiz that tries to predict what your birth order is, but it was TOTALLY wrong for me, which is weird since I think I’m a pretty text book middle child.