Category — labor/delivery

Travis and I had a much needed date night 2 nights ago.  Our nanny shared a movie night with our “big kids” and Travis and I took Griffie with us down the street for dinner and a few beers.  It was SO nice to actually feel like adults and experience the simplicity of parenting just a newborn.  MAN is that a piece of cake;)  We talked about a lot of stuff, especially Travis’ career and general direction since that’s on his mind a lot lately; it’s all happening so fast for him right now and I can tell his mind is always spinning.  Somewhere in there though, I brought up the question of “did you mean it: are we really done growing our family?”  I know both of our answers logically should be yes.  And that is my answer.  I think.  Still, there was something so sad about hearing Travis say it so confidently, and knowing in the back of my head too…that we are probably done experiencing moments like these:

Above is the amazing birth image I was talking about.  It’s Griffie’s little nogging in Dr. Warner’s hands, emerging (look closely if you can’t see his face at first – it’s on the right).  His first breath was seconds later followed by the most beautiful sound I prayed to hear in the OR.

There are SO MANY things we want to do with our lives.  Our life.  Honestly, adding kids to our family has been the most incredible experience and we love every one of them for the unique dynamic they each bring.  We are the luckiest parents alive.  There’s no adventure more amazing than adopting a child or bringing a life into the world, and we’ve been blessed to have done both twice.  The everyday process of raising our kids is quite the adventure as well!!  But continuing to grow would mean saying goodbye to a lot of other adventures in life.  And as Travis reminded me, life is about chapters, seasons, stages…very often one has to end so another can begin.  So now it’s time to move on with the beautiful kids we have and start dreaming of all the things we’ll do as a family.

There’s just something that’s been making me so sad about closing this chapter, even though I’m so overwhelmed with joy and love right now.  It’s a weird dichotomy of emotions.  I guess that’s the “baby blues” – so much excitement, anticipation, and energy around that one moment when the baby arrives.  It’s incredible.  But then, just days later, there are business calls to take, residency paperwork to submit, bills to pay, laundry to do, and somehow life just marches on.  Ready or not.  We had to reenter reality so abruptly.  I wish it would all just slow the hell down.  Or freeze completely for me right now since I’m just not ready for the world to keep spinning , and neither is Griffie. <sigh>

The baby blues have not been even a fraction of what they were when Finley was born, thank God.  I feel pretty “together” and fairly in control of my emotions.  I’ve cried over silly things a couple times, including 2 days ago when I found myself inappropriately crying over how precious Jackson was in his school’s holiday performance.  I had tears streaming down my face when everyone else was laughing and clapping…that’s when I realized I might be experiencing some post-partum hormones;)  Every now and then I feel sadness creep in just a little – usually over the baby chapter closing, or the thought of returning to work, or sometimes for no identifiable reason at all.  Jack has a little Christmas countdown calendar he made with my mom, and each morning he X’s off another day in December.  And each time I see that adorable little hand cross off the days, I take a deep breath, gulp, and swallow the sadness that comes when I think about the passing time.

As a suspenseful side note, there was a moment in the OR when our OB was closing me up and asked us if we plan on having any more kids just so she’d know if she needed to do an extra layer of stitching in my uterus.  Without hesitation, we both replied “just do it.”  We’re crazy, irresponsibly spontaneous, and sometimes a little unpredictable, but I think we were just playing that one safe.  Because as Griffin taught us, ya just never know.

These photos are just a little glimpse into our newborn and family session with our birth photographer, Kim.  We are so lucky to have had her in the OR with us capturing those precious moments, as well as in our home taking pictures of us as a family of 6.  There’s a sneak peek of our session on her blog too.  I saved a few of my favorites for Griffin’s birth announcement though:)

The picture below cracks me up every time I look at it – Jack LOVES to pose funky, so this was his “sweet move” for Kim’s camera.  Clearly the boy should be enrolled in karate, yoga, or something that requires crazy balance.

I can’t believe it, but Griffie is 2 weeks old today.  The passing of each week of his newbornhood is so bittersweet to me right now; I can’t help but simultaneously countdown what that means in terms of my time left at home with him and my family.  It’s going to be a rough re-introduction to the 80 hour work week of residency. 

Anyway, here’s the slideshow video our photographer put together from our delivery (if your kids are asleep, turn off your sound; it’s set to music).  As a warning, this contains photos from our actual c-section – there’s nothing explicit as far as I’m concerned, but just so you know, there are photos of Griffin emerging.  My favorite photo comes at 1:27 mark –> it’s the moment Griff’s little head actually emerges.  It’s pretty amazing, but I’m a little biased!

I CANNOT wait to see the photos from our newborn session and family photo shoot from last Saturday.  I know they’ll be great and I’m so excited to see what Kim does with them.  She’ll be here tomorrow to present them to us.  Here are a few more Griff pics from the past few days:

How crazy is this ultrasound picture?!  If you aren’t familiar with these, baby’s head is on the right and its face is sorta pressed up against the probe so you see Travis’ lips and a little nose looking out at you.  That dark area in the center is the 4 chambered heart.  Almost 28wks, not finding out gender.  Perinatologist visit was great – don’t know how he ended up in that field, but he had fantastic bedside manner!  It was a refreshing change.  Baby is growing really well, but cord is still a marginal insertion (meaning it’s towards the edge of the placenta instead of in the center, so growth has to be monitored to make sure blood flow is adequate – so far so good).  The estimate on size, which I take with a grain of salt because these things can be very inexact, is 2lbs 7oz, putting Quatro in the 70 percentile…I have a feeling this is on the overestimated side!  I highly doubt any child with 1/2 of my genetic makeup is in the 70%, but then again, I have a bio brother who is 6’3” so I guess anything is possible.

On the pregnancy front, I have some news.  After a lot of thinking, talking, and discussing, I have opted to schedule my C-section this time around.  For those of you who followed my first labor, you probably realize I’m in the “pretty damn unlikely” category with regards to the chances of a successful VBAC.  My mom had 4 sections, and I think I got her narrow pelvis that wasn’t well-suited to birth, much to my dismay since one of my biggest desires was to experience a normal vaginal delivery.  Don’t ask why; I know that’s the part most people dread.  But I’m weird like that, the pain is not something I’m afraid of.  What I AM afraid of is attempting a VBAC, going through a grueling labor again, having my heart set on a vaginal delivery, and ending up in a traumatic last-resort c-section once again.  If I weren’t an intern and I had unlimited time to recover and be with the new baby thereafter, I might choose differently.  As it is though, I have 3 weeks and I do NOT want to spend that laid up with my body healing from BOTH labor AND surgery. 

So, if all goes as planned (did I REALLY say that out loud), Quatro will be born at 8:30am on November 29th.  Weird, huh?

I promise my pregnancy / delivery posts have almost dried up, but there’s just a little more I want to write before I try to close that topic here.  I just started unpacking our bags from the hospital (I know, it’s about damn time!), and I came across the CD’s we’d made and listened to during portions of my labor.  I cried.  Again.  I guess there are a few reasons my delivery felt so traumatic to me.  Although much of my pregnancy was overshadowed by Shane’s adoption and our travels through Vietnam, the last few months were spent reading every book on natural childbirth I could get my hands on, watching videos on deliveries, meeting with our doula, completing the Bradley Natural Childbirth course, and emotionally preparing for the climactic moment we’d been anticipating - the moment when that final push would bring our beautiful baby into the world and we would first lay eyes on the life we’d created.  Only, it didn’t quite happen that way.  I am  still recovering, I very much feel like I’m wearing someone else’s body, and I haven’t been able to pause life long enough to fully finish processing everything that happened.  Right now it just feels like Trav and I are running as fast as we can, but there’s not way we can possibly catch up with life. 

As for the analogy…I’m talking about the “labor is like running a marathon” analogy.  You see, running a marathon is a finite event.  You know, upfront, how far it is you have to run.  You are in control the entire time, you can pace yourself, you can rest as needed or push through the pain to get to the end sooner.  There is a guaranteed end to the pain and a sense of accomplishment if you do what you set out to do, which is run a predetermined distance.  This is nothing like labor. 

Lastly, I just want to document the things related to this pregnancy, labor, and delivery that I’ll never forget.  Here are my most memorable moments:

1. The day I took that pregnancy test while Travis was working with the family doc in rural Colorado over the summer and I had to show up with it wrapped in a paper towel, speechless, to hand him the pee stick in person.  The look on his face was priceless.  The way we stared at each other, dumbfounded, was priceless.  That day was perfect.  {I’ve gone back and unprotected that post so anyone can read it}
2. The first time I really felt her kick.  My computer was on my belly and I watched it bounce up and down. 
3. All the nights we’d stayed up to watch the ripples across my belly as those little hands were reaching out to feel her surroundings.
4. Seeing the Baby Center update on “Your 1 Week Old” when I was still 41 weeks pregnant! 
5. Showing up at our 41 weeks OB appointment to find out I was 5 cm, then later that afternoon at the labor deck to find out I was 7cm dilated.  I’ll never forget that excitement.
6. Learning 6.5hrs after arrival that I was still at 7cm, which didn’t bode well for our planned natural vaginal delivery.  I’ve never experienced disappointment like that. 
7. The moment they FINALLY pulled my baby out and my husband turned to me, crying, to tell me “Laur, we got our little girl.” 

And here she is, 1 month old today, and a picture of perfection in her mommy and daddy’s eyes.  Yiayia got her this cute little sun dress that she modeled for us.  Check out the extra chin - I think we’re finally starting to pork her up a bit!  Here’s “Finjin,” as Jackson calls her:

We have snow in the forecast for tomorrow, but after that, we’re hoping the warm weather holds out and we can start busting out the adorable spring / summer wardrobe her grandparents, our friends, my blogging buddies, and our families have spoiled her with!!  There are some serious benefits to being the only baby girl /granddaughter in the family.  And you will all be SHOCKED that Travis and I have not only allowed ourselves to totally fall victim to, but we’ve actually enjoyed the pink explosion.  I’m ashamed;)  Hahaha…Travis must’ve been feeling guilty because he bought her a camo print dress and little capri outfit the other day.  Yiayia told him he was going to make her a lesbian and he gave the “just until college” response.  Hey, as long as she’s a strong, confident, kick-ass little girl, we could give a flying hoot about her sexual orientation or choice of clothing!  But for now, I have to admit, the dresses are pretty darn cute.

There are some really heavy adoption related things I want to sit down and write about one of these days when I finally have the time and clarity to do it (time AND clarity - haha, I know).  But writing brings me clarity, so I’ll try and work on those posts in pieces when things are quiet…’quiet’ has become a very relative term around here!

UPDATE: so we saw the OB today and she wasn’t quite sure what to make of my incision.  No needles or scalpels today though!  She decided to watch it another week, keep me on the same antibiotic, and hope it clears up with that.  We’re hoping it’s not MRSA, but if it is, we have her email address and she’ll just call in a bigger gun antibiotic if it worsens on the current one.  Either way, I’m seeing her again for a re-check next week.  Fun stuff. 

Sorry for the back-to-back posts, but I figured Jackson’s haircut deserved special attention and its own post (see below). 

So, our family doc is back and got to meet her newest patient yesterday.  She spent 2 hours with us and it was so good to see her and catch her up on all she missed.  As suspected, my incision is infected and I’m now on antibiotics.  We’re now hoping the antibiotics will reach the source and my incision doesn’t have to be opened up again, drained, and re-sewn tomorrow when I go in to see the OB who did my c-section.  Not really looking forward to that visit to be honest.  Finley has grown 1 inch since last week and gained another half pound.  She’s 7lbs 9oz and 20 inches long.  Still a peanut, but look how much our little girl has grown:

By the way, did anyone win the contest - girl, born 3/25?  Oh, and guess what?  I’m down 25lbs, so I have another 26lbs to go.  If my incision would just heal, I could get out and start running soon.  That would be so good for me mentally and physically, so I’m hoping it’s not more than a few weeks away.  But who knows with my incision now infected.  Oh, and speaking of my mental health, I am finally able to talk about my labor and c-section without bursting into tears.  I still think about the whole experience a few times a day, but for a change, I feel like I’m back in control of my emotions…for the most part. 

Here are a few pictures of the sweetest little face with the chubbiest cheeks and cutest button nose.  Shane has been doing really well and is starting to settle back into life despite all the crazy changes we’ve thrown his way recently.  We have a lot of work to do with our little man, but I think he’s going to be ok…and we are too.

And here’s the hair I miss, the smile I love, and the eyes I’m happy to now have a better view of…

A few more pictures of the kids with Gramma, Aunt Heather, and the new sand & water table (pre-Jackson’s haircut):

So I thought the c-section complications were on the out and out…but it looks like I might have an infection brewing.  Sweet.  I am holding off going to the ER for now and just keeping a close eye on the incision and my temperature.  I made Travis draw a line around the red margins so we can see if it spreads.  Since I’m pretty sure the surgeon was drunk when she cut me (honestly, it’s the ugliest incision I’ve ever seen), and I nearly pass out every time I look at it, I’ve been making Travis keep tabs on it.  He says it looks like a fat lady’s lips (imagine the redness and swelling on either side - sorry for the gross mental image).  I think this might be the end of the low rise bikini for me.  My spinal headache, on the other hand, is gone!  I’d forgotten what it felt like to stand up without being in extreme pain and fighting tears back.  So that’s definitely a positive.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are in town for the week and yesterday was my first real outing.  We went to ToysRus so Gramma could get Jack and Shane a Radio Flyer wagon.  We also went to the bridal shop so I could try on my bridesmaid dress for my sister’s wedding, which is only 7 weeks away!  Umm, I ended up with my pre-pregnancy size…except with a 1 in front of it!!  Travis protested making the drive for me to try on the dress.  He thought we should just call the bridal salon and ask them to try stuffing 2 watermelons, horizontally, inside a dress.  Then they could just let us know what size dress could accommodate that.

Other than that, things are under control.  It’s nice to have Travis’ mom and sister here for the extra help and sets of hands.  Shane is getting lots of lovin’ and is enjoying all the attention.  Jackson is doing great, taking all the changes in stride.  The boys have started playing together a lot more recently and it’s absolutely hysterical!  The bathtub time is my favorite - they crack up splashing each other and putting bubbles on each other’s heads.  Travis and I died laughing today when we turned around and there was a boat upside down on Shane’s head - I WISH I had a picture of that! 

Finley is just so precious.  She seems to be practicing all her expressions for the future - the “how-could-you?!” face, the “that’s-peculiar” face, the “I-just-passed-gas-and-am-in-ecstasy” face.  Seriously, she’s such a little lady - she looks so feminine, so peaceful, so perfect.  And then, there’ll be a little rumble, and next, that little smile spreads across her face.  She flashes those adorable dimples.  I swear, she’s the daintiest, cutest little farter you’ve ever seen.  But oh, I fear that with 2 older brothers, and Travis as her father…this just might be more than a newborn thing!

Here’s Gramma with her newest grandbaby, and Aunt Heather with Little Miss Finley too.

Finley is 1 week old today. 

She’s doing well and weighed in at a whopping 7lbs 1oz yesterday.  Yeah, she’s a peanut.  I always wondered what you’d get if you crossed chicken legs with tree trunks.  Well, the answer turns out to be chicken legs!!  She has her daddy’s lower body for sure - these teeny little legs that run into her long, slender feet, with the super sized 2nd toe, of course.  There’s not a roll of extra fat on our little peanut…which begs the question, why the heck did my body gain 51lbs and hog it all from the baby?!  I’m SUCH a pig!  Hopefully breastfeeding will pork her up some though.

There’s so much more I want to say, but my spinal headache returned yesterday and I’m having trouble spending time upright again.  Turns out the blood patch only gave me about 24 hours of relief.  I can’t bring myself to have that painful procedure performed again, as my back is still totally black and blue, and I now have a really intense rash covering most of it as well.  I just have to wait this one out and pray it abates soon.  We’re surviving over here pretty well, all things considered.  Travis and I have stopped to laugh at our situation so hard a few times that I thought I busted some stitches open.  I am terrified of Travis starting in the hospital a week from Monday, and am just trying to take it all 1 day at a time right now.  I miss my mom.  I’m emotionally labile.  I’m hoping it’s all within the normal range.  If I could just get rid of this headache…

Anyway, here are some cute pictures of the babies. 

Shane turned 9 months old today!  Doesn’t he just look so much more like a kid and less of a baby already?!  I can’t stand how fast it’s all going!  He’s been doing really well these past few days.  He’s such a sweetheart and has been really affectionate lately.  He loves this new gliding rocking chair my mom got us and lets me hold and rock in it until he’s either totally sedated, or passes out all snuggled in my arms. 

First of all, your comments brought me to tears.  I can’t even believe what an awesome support group we have from our friends and family.  And I could NEVER have predicted what an incredible source of support I would find in my blogging community, which really has become an important community for me.  It’s not the perc0cet talking when I say I really love you guys!  I had no idea how many people were so invested in Finley’s birth and in our family, and it just gave me the warmest feeling of support to read those comments.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

People in medicine always joke that, as a patient, you “never want to be the interesting medical case.”  Unfortunately, there were few medical personnel involved with labor and delivery or anesthesia at our hospital who hadn’t heard our story as of a few days ago.  Lots of people stopped by our room to say they’d heard about me - the patient who labored 4 days, had 3 epidurals, and still landed a rough c-section.  Finley is a pretty well-known baby in these parts already, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear our case was the topic of a morning report, noon conference, or hell, even an M&M conference (morbidity & mortality) because of how complicated a medical case we turned out to be.  We are letting ourselves grieve and feel the disappointment of things not going the way we’d hoped, but truthfully, in the end, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat - I’d make all the same choices.  I’m even more convinced now than ever before that, unless necessary, as ours was in the end, c-sections should be done only with sound medical indication and side effects of epidurals should be seriously reviewed before reflexively chosen.  Having experienced many of the complications and side effects related to both, I wouldn’t wish those on anyone.  Not on anyone.  Nor would I wish this recovery on anyone.  I keep wondering how much easier it would have been to come home to a house full of babies if I didn’t have all this pain with which to contend.  It was obviously far from elective in my case, and medical technology was necessary to safely bring Finley into the world, and for that I am thankful.  And granted, it would’ve been easier had I not spent days in labor AND had the damn section.  But you get my point - it was a rough way to go.

There are a few last pictures I wanted to share.  The first was shortly after arriving at the hospital in labor with the midwife measuring heart tones with a handheld doppler.  The next is after Travis carried the baby back to our room, while I was being wheeled out of the OR, and they were getting Finley’s measurements.  Unless you know Travis REALLY well, you probably can’t see that he’s crying, but it’s such a tender picture to me and I absolutely love it.  And in case I didn’t explicitly say it anywhere, Travis was the most incredible birth partner I could have ever dreamed of having.  Really and truly.  He was amazing.  He was patient.  He was gentle.  He was encouraging.  He was supportive.  He was protective.  He was loving.  He was proud of me, and I was so proud of him. 

So, I went back to the hospital last night for what was hopefully my last procedure related to this delivery.  As it turned out, I did get a very severe spinal headache from the wet tap, which happened during attempt #2 of 3 epidurals (the epidural I had hoped not to get at all in the first place).  The headache was totally incapacitating, but I was discharged from the hospital under the hope it was only a situational headache.  You see, the onset was just towards the tail end of the “48 window” following my wet tap, but also coincided with a huge meltdown I had that involved so much sobbing it was easy to explain the headache away with all the head and nasal congestion that followed.  But I came home and it never went away, except when I laid flat on my back.  [A brief explanation of a spinal headache - basically, the epidural needle punctured my dura, and spinal fluid escaped.  There was, therefore, not enough volume to bath my brain and spinal cord when in an upright position.  The "slumping" of my brain because of the decreased fluid volume when gravity takes effect translates into a severe headache when standing that is really only relieved, or partially relieved, by laying flat.]  So I was basically useless and in excruciating pain every time I tried to stand up or even sit upright.  I was a contributing parent to 33% of my kids, and that is only because I have these magic pillows that give Finley her power.  When she’s within striking distance, she’s ravenous!  When she’s done re-fueling, she likes to put her little arm around her pillowy friends, nestle up to them, and pass out.  It’s the cutest thing in the world.  I plan on breastfeeding Shane eventually too, to answer a few of your questions.  I just need a little time to get the hang of it with just Finley first, since it’s her ONLY source of food.  I do think there’ll be PLENTY to go around though!  Travis has made several comments about my National Geographic look, so I’ve had to remind him that I am TOTALLY capable of suffocating him in his sleep if he’s not careful!

Anyway, back to the story.  So we went back to the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital last night and I had a “blood patch” performed.  Basically, another needle in the spine.  Fun stuff.  They draw sterile blood from my arm, inject it into my back.  That should fill the volume I was missing, and help form the clot that will seal the punctured dura.  I wasn’t sure it worked when we left last night; mine was slow to heal.  I only knew that I was having horrendous pain at the site of the injection.  My back is completely black and blue, not to mention covered in contact dermatitis, since I’m apparently allergic to the tape they used to hold the epidurals in place.  I am unable to bend at the waist without this weird buckling pain.  But I woke up this morning a new person since the headache is GONE.  Thank God.  I finally have some pain relief and feel like I have been able to participate in the care of my kids today.  I think I am finally on the road to recovery.  Oh, and despite the fact that my body is COMPLETELY disfigured and unrecognizable to myself, I celebrated the very welcomed re-appearance of my belly button today, permanently warped as it may be.  My incision is still a little painful, although I hadn’t noticed until the agony from my headache lifted- the headache which had been distracting me from noticing the large cut below my abdomen.  Realistically, I think I have a few more days on pain meds, and I’m ok with that. 

I cried my eyes out saying goodbye to my Mom this afternoon.  She’s been here since 3/15, and I honestly don’t think Travis or I could’ve survived any of this without her.  Travis and I have been dreading her departure for awhile.  She has done EVERYTHING for us these past few weeks - cooked, cleaned, rubbed my back through early labor (alternating with Trav), took such good care of Jackson and Shane BY HERSELF since my dad had to fly home with the kids on Wednesday, traded on and off with Trav at the hospital to care for me, cried with me in disappointment, held me while I wept in pain, coached me through breastfeeding, helped me get Shane through his grieving, talked about me everyday with Jackson so he would understand I hadn’t left him, decorated our home, cooked weeks
worth of meals that we can easily pull out of the freezer, and bought us everything under the sun from a downstairs rocking chair, bassinet, baby swing, newborn clothes, a newborn bathtub, tons of nursing supplies (bras, tanks, lotions, etc.).  Sorry Daddy - I’m pretty sure you don’t want to check your bank account anytime soon! 

Here are a few pictures of my parents with Finley, and one that I absolutely love of my mom and Shane:

I have a lot to say about Shane, but I’ll just give you the short story version.  He has gone through a very obvious grieving process and when I came home from the hospital, he was still so angry with me.  I was basically absent from his life for a week, and he changed so much in that short period of time.  He’s HUGE, for one.  Really though, he’s losing that baby look so fast it makes my head spin.  He’s also eating EVERYTHING now from avocado to entire bananas.  Like I said before, initially he would cry hysterically whenever I was near him.  So I had to just hold him tight through his rage and FINALLY.  Finally, he let it go and let me console him.  It was so sad, but things are so much better now.  He wants me to hold him and is happy to be in my arms.  He smiles every time I come into the room or anytime he looks over at me.  Thank God, again.  My heart couldn’t have taken much more of that if he hadn’t let me back in!  He’s still out-of-sorts in that he’s not sleeping as soundly and is more needy than usual.  All the emotional stress is compounded by the fact that he’s cutting new teeth as I type, which is never any fun.  Please keep our little Shane-bug in your thoughts and prayers.

Finley is quite the superstar.  She’s an eater AND a sleeper.  Seriously, I know it has to get harder, and I don’t want to speak to soon, but I can’t get over how easy she is as a newborn.  The boob is an amazing thing.  It’s crazy to be a parent to a kid whose needs are as simple as the boob, for a change.  I’m just so in love and absolutely obsessed with her; to me, she’s perfection.  She’s totally helpless, completely innocent, and entirely dependent on my body.  I never thought I could possibly love her so much.  Really.  I worried that I was prepared and excited for labor and delivery, but was terrified of the part where we actually had to bring home a 3rd baby.  WOW, did I have it ass backwards!  Turns out, bringing Finley home and having enough love for #3 was the easy part! 

Here are some new Finley pictures:

And guess who has taken a liking to all Finley and Shane’s new stuff?  Yup, this kid:

It’s finally Laurie typing again.  I’m recovering well and wanted to thank all of you for the wonderful support you’ve given me from start to finish.  The past 5 or 6 days have been some of the hardest, yet most incredible of my life.  The emotional ups and downs are far too much to describe at this point, but I’ll try and relay the experience as best I can.  I’ll write it to document our family becoming whole, to get some of these feelings out of me and onto paper, and to share the story with those who have cared enough about us to have read and cheered us along this wild ride.  Just so everyone knows, Finley and I are both healthy, and although I have been in a pretty severe amount of pain, I am recovering well from labor and my c-section as best as I can.  We opted to keep me at the hospital until tomorrow because it is nearly impossible to keep my little guys from climbing all over me and even more impossible to get any sleep at home.  I might be the first person to say that the hospital is far more restful than my own house!  I’ve missed my boys terribly, and my being away has been so hard on all of us, but Shane especially.  They’ve been coming to visit me daily, and it is very clear that Shane is extremely angry at me.  He cannot look at me without crying hysterically, and just sobs in my arms when I try and hold him.  So today, I played with him while he was in my mom’s or Trav’s arms and he interacted with me like that - slowly letting me get closer to him.  It broke my heart, and that has been one of the hardest parts of all of this.  Ok, before I get into all that, I’ll tell you how my dream of a perfect birth came crumbling down.  Here’s the recap…

• Friday midday - saw doctor for AFI / NST.  Total pregnancy weight gain 51lbs. 
• Friday PM - contractions began in evening and continued throughout the night.  They were strong, ranged from 7-10 minutes apart, and painful enough that I could not sleep much in between them. 
• Saturday AM - contractions died down.  Continued having signs of labor all day - light bleeding, heavy mucous occasional contractions.
• Saturday PM - contractions picked up again, more intense than previous night.  Ranged from 6-10 minutes apart throughout night.  No sleep, thought Easter Sunday would be the day.
• Sunday AM - contractions began to space out slightly until late morning, when things really picked up again.  They became increasingly intense.  I couldn’t speak through them, had to concentrate on my breathing, and they were ~5-6 minutes apart for much of the evening. 
• Sunday PM - contractions continued as they had been throughout late afternoon.  Again, labored all night without sleep or rest.
• Monday AM - was SHOCKED that we were still pregnant. 
• 10 am: went to our 41 week visit with the midwife and learned I was 5cm dilated, 80% effaced, baby still high at -2-3 station.  Had lost 6lbs since Friday’s appt., from laboring so long already.  Midwife thought we were in good anterior position for delivery.  Told we could go straight to hospital or go home and continue to labor more there until we were ready to come to labor and delivery at hospital for admission. 
• 2pm: doula came over to coach us through labor at home.  Travis and I continued to breath through my contractions, he massaged my low back pain, I used birthing ball, listened to music, relaxed through the pain.
• 4pm: decided contractions had become more intense.  It was time to get to the hospital to avoid showing up in the midst of transition or just before the urge to push; better to have a little time to settle in.
• 4:30pm: in-house midwife checked cervix.  Found it to be 7cm, 70-80% effaced, bulging bag of water, baby at -3 station still.  We were really proud that we’d been able to labor at home until 7cm
• 4:30 - 10:00pm: labored in hospital labor suite.  Used hot tub, shower, birthing ball, walked hallways, doula coached with breathing, position suggestions, massages, etc.
• 10:30pm: started to feel more out of control of the pain - thought/hoped I might FINALLY be in transition.  Midwife checked my cervix to find that we were stuck at 7cm, 80% effaced, bulging bag of water, and baby still high -3.  Midwife noticed baby was posterior in position and that was the likely reason she was not descending.  Suggested some exercises to try to turn baby.  Labor at this point was getting more stressful since it had been 6.5hrs of managing painful contractions without any progress towards delivery.  Baby’s heart tracing were still looking ok though when I sat at the monitor, so they weren’t in a huge hurry to push me towards any interventions yet, but a few were suggested.
• 12:30am: exhaustion began setting in.  I was not feeling in control, nor was I able to truly relax during my contractions anymore.  I was becoming more frantic and anxious.  Midwife checked my cervix, and still NO progress.  Baby was still riding way too high to put enough pressure on my cervix to fully dilate it. 
• 1am: growing desperate, willing to try almost anything to reduce chance of medicated or surgical delivery.  Decided to try a somewhat experimental procedure, called STERILE WATER PAPULES, which the midwife suggested.  No one here had seen it done and only a few people were familiar with it from other institutions.  Basically, it entails one of the most painful experiences I have ever had in my life - injecting blebs of water into 4 pressure points in the lower back.  The intent is to decrease the back pain due to a posterior facing baby.  It’s supposed to provide ~1 hour of back labor relief, during which time, I was supposed to try several positions, which were otherwise VERY painful, to turn the baby anterior.  Here’s a picture of the papules.  They look just like a PPD (the TB test), but they are exquisitely painful going in.  Each one felt like being stung by a hive of bees.

• 1-2:30am: rocked on hands and kness, keeping chest low; lunges; spread hips as far apart as I could while rocking side to side; talked to the baby (or pleaded actually - “come on precious baby…turn sweetie…TURN!”) 
• 2:30am: midwife checked me and confirmed the baby had not turned.  Still ~7cm, cervix now very swollen, head still riding high at -3.  Baby’s heart tracing was not worrisome, although not particularly reassuring anymore either.  Decided next intervention was to break my water with a slow leak (to prevent cord prolapse) and have the midwife try to turn the baby manually. 
• 2:45am: midwife breaks my water, but attempt to turn baby fails and baby didn’t drop as expected either.  So, baby was still posterior, still riding high.  Because of our extremely protracted labor, our midwife felt it was time to call the OB attending for a consultation.  The OB came in and gave us her opinion, which is that she would have call
  ed it a long time ago and cut the baby out.  Her advice was if we wanted to wait it out a little bit longer before going to the OR, we could opt for an epidural, get pitocin onboard, and make sure my contractions were adequate enough to change my cervix.  Because the epidural was a tool to possibly avoid a c-section, we chose that route.
• 3:30am: anesthesiologist attempts epidural.  Unable to successfully place epidural and achieve pain control so that pitocin could be increased and contraction strength measured.  The worst part about the epidural situation is that I was, at this point, pretty out of control - hadn’t eaten in 2 days, hadn’t slept in 4 nights, and was starting to feel panicky.  To place the epidural, I had to sit on the edge of the bed, back hunched over, still.  BUT I HAD EXCRUCIATING back labor, so this was a horrible position to be in while they mucked around in my spine, trying to figure out why it wasn’t working.
• 4:30am: anesthesia attending called to re-place the failed epidural.  They pulled the first one and then he tried to start over.  But…he screwed up and caused a “wet tap,” meaning the large gauge needle that is supposed to be threaded into the epidural space punctured through to the intrathecal space, where my spinal cord is.  This puts me at high risk for what’s known as a spinal headache.”  Then, he couldn’t figure out exactly where the catheter was sitting - as it epidural or intrathecal?  Because he couldn’t tell, the medication dosing was all messed up.  So then they didn’t know if they were underdosing, or it just didn’t work altogether.  They decided to use it temporarily, while they started pitocin and place a monitor inside my uterus to better measure my contraction strength.  The OB also wanted to place a fetal scalp electrode, which is a probe that literally gets screwed into the baby’s scalp to more accurately measure the baby during what was probably a very stressful experience.  Travis fought like hell and the midwife and nurse backed him up - they promised to use the external monitors and follow the baby’s heart rate really carefully with each contraction. 
• 7am: I continued to be in horrendous pain b/c  the 2nd spinal / epidural wasn’t working for crap, so I was feeling every contraction as if it were the worst one ever.  Plus, because pitocin was started, they were monitoring me, and my right leg essentially felt like it belonged to someone else’s body, I wasn’t allowed to get up or move.  So I had to lay there, laboring on my back, which was HORRIBLE because of my back labor (baby still posterior).  OB attending decided to check me again and deemed the baby to still be posterior, at -1 station, and my cervix to still be chillin at 7cm. 
• 8-9:30am: reality set in.  The OB called it.  The baby’s tracings started showing early signs of distress.  She’d been pounded around in there long enough and the poor thing was becoming exhausted.  At this point, I, too, was incoherent and exhausted.  I was falling asleep while people were talking to me, screaming in pain other moments.  Totally out of control.  A far cry from the laboring woman I was the days previous, breathing through contractions and loving the excitement of impending delivery.  The midwives believed my pelvis would have been adequate to birth a decently sized baby in a posterior position.  However, if the baby doesn’t descend, you can’t push it out.  She was too high up and my cervix would not fully dilate.  Therefore, forceps and vacuum weren’t viable alternatives to c-section either. 
• At this point, Travis and I stepped aside and consoled each other.  Things had gone about as astray from our birth plan as they possibly could have, but we knew we tried everything.  We knew everyone had been patient with us and allowed us far more time than any hospital or OB I’ve met elsewhere would have been comfortable with.  We felt like we were able to say “we honestly tried everything,” but the only safe choice left was to deliver our baby in the operating room.  We both cried.  Or sobbed, actually.  But it was time and we knew it.
• 10:30am: deliriously in pain; rolled into OR for c-section; still contracting q3 minutes, forced to lay on my back despite severe back labor.  New anesthesia attending called to again replace my nonfunctioning spinal/epidural.  This is now my 3rd.  THIRD epidural in ~7hrs.  Again, it was not smooth.  Almost instantly, my right side went numb with such a high concentration of meds that I was having trouble using respiratory muscles and needed oxygen.  But the left side of my body felt everything.  6 doctors sat around, fully scrubbed in, waiting to perform the section, while the anesthesiologist played around with my epidural.  Meanwhile, I had totally lost it and was screaming bloody murder.  Travis was in tears because all that kept coming out of my delirious mouth was “Travis, help me!!”  I think he was feeling awful and helpless enough and it broke his heart to see me lost control like that and he not be able to do a damn thing to help me.  After about 45 minutes of the anesthesia team poking me below the drape with sharp objects and asking “can you feel this,” with me responding consistently “yes” on the left, “no,” on the right, they apologized profusely and said they’d need to use general anesthesia since their 3rd epidural was also not working.  My midwife, nurse, and husband pleaded on my behalf…at this point they had to on my behalf b/c I’d screamed so many times they finally had mercy on me and gave me versed and fentanyl…that was right after I’d yelled out “Oh, just put me under already.  Knock me the F&(% out!”  Travis was like, “uh, she didn’t mean that…but can you please give her something in the meantime for her pain?!”  Honestly, the anesthesiologist had the mask about 2 inches from my face, the sterile field was ready, and the OB gave me one last pinch on that left side before they would’ve knocked my out with general.  Low and behold, I was numb!!!! 
• Everyone took a deep breath.  Amazing how almost everything can go wrong, and I still came out feeling victorious because I didn’t end up with a c-section under general anesthesia!!  Wow. 
• Travis watched and gave me the play-by-play the whole way through.  It got very intense in the OR for the few minutes, which felt like hours, when the incision in my uterus had been made and the OBs were trying to pull the baby out.  Finley was wedged in there in such a way that they could not get her out.  The attending pushed everyone else aside and was nearly shoulder deep in my abdomen, her resident pushing with all her strength from above my uterus downward to try and put traction on the baby.  Meanwhile, I was gasping for air because my lungs were being compressed.  All that pushing and pulling and my uterus tore in 2 places beyond the incision.  The retractors held it open on both sides, but on my right, a tear extended downward from the margin of the incision ~2 inches, and then in the center of the incision, another tear extended downward.  I was informed of these after the surgery was complete.  They’ve been repaired, but obviously, not a good complication to have. 
• When they finally did get the baby out, they held her up for Travis to see so that he could share the gender surprise with me.  He just sunk down, eyes flooded with tears, and told me “oh my God Laur, we got our little girl.  We have a little girl!  I’m so happy and I love you so much.”  He cried.  I cried.  He kissed me.  Then we waited until we heard her beautiful little cry, and we cried some more.  I asked him “what does she look li
  ke?”  And all he could say was “she has a buttload of hair on her head!”  They handed her to Travis and he rested her on my chest.  They let us stay there like that while they sewed me up.  We got back to the room and right away, we stripped my gown, put her up to my breast, and watched as she latched on like a pro!

I can’t imagine anyone is still reading this.  If you are, thank you.  If you skimmed or skipped to the end, don’t worry about it - I just needed to write it all down.  I’ll write more about what’s been going on with Shane and Jackson later.  For now, it’s time for my next dose of pain meds and Finley is passed out on my chest.  I’m going to take them and get some rest.  Thank you all for your love and kindness.  Your support and encouragement has been instrumental in helping me get through this.  I had a huge meltdown today - I’ll share more of that later (has to do with the reality of everything setting in…recovery mostly)- and looking through all the prayerful and uplifting comments was really good for me.  Thank you! 

Finley couldn’t be more perfect.  She looks like her daddy to me, but my mom really thinks she looks like me.  We don’t know where they came from, but she has the sweetest little dimples and the big beautiful eyes.  They’re gray right now, but being the dorks we are, we’ve figured out she has a 50% chance of brown eyes, 25% chance of green, and 25% chance of blue.  So we’ll see.  She is so precious, but has a bit of a temper that we’re starting to see already!  She has an almost full head of brown hair, Travis skeletor feet with the long 2nd toe, and Travis’ big juicy lips.  We’re just totally in love and still in shock we actually have a baby girl!!  She’s the tiniest, most petite little thing, and it’s just incredible how she only has to smell me or Travis to be comforted.  I couldn’t be a prouder or happier mommy to my 3 kids!  And Finley was so worth every second of pain, and so much more.

Finley Marie Good

Born: 11:36 AM, March 25, 2008

Weight: 6 lb. 14 oz

Height: 19 in

Laurie has been immobile but wants to share the whole birth / labor experience as soon as she gets out of bed and feels like typing later today - trust me the story is pretty crazy, worth reading.  We’re just so amazed and so in love with this little baby.  She took to nursing and latched on instantly within 45 minutes of delivery, as soon as Laurie got out of the OR, and has not strayed far from the breastaurant in the last 24 hrs, wanting to be close to Laurie’s chest even when she is not feeding.  Jackson and Shane, who are with their grandparents, met Finley last night and not surprisingly, Jack had kisses ready for his new sister.  I (this is Travis) left Laur’s mom at the hospital last night for several hours so I could go home with the boys and get them to bed before returning to the hospital to spend the night with Laur and Finley.  As for the name Finley, it was my grandmother’s middle name that had been passed down from my Scottish relatives.   We still can’t believe we have a little girl and both Laurie and I have mistakenly called her a him several times as we are still getting used to the idea of having a daughter.  We’re absolutely thrilled to have a daughter but really didn’t think this was a girl so we’re still sort of in shock.  Based on most people’s guesses, especially while in Vietnam, as well as the old wives tales, we thought this was a boy, but Jaime’s Chinese Lunar gender predictor was right all along.  Below are some pics of the beautiful baby and one of her with her beautiful mom as well.